Thursday, 14 February 2008

• Seriously...don't take back to loser

  Why does there continue to be a delusional barrage of people who devote their journalistic impulses to telling me that, as a single woman, I am secretly lonely and miserable, no matter how "contentedly independent and fulfilled" my life may look? Lori Gottlieb is one among many such writers who really wants me to "settle" for whatever comes along and thinks I'm marriage material. This paragraph especially grates my nerves:

  When we’re holding out for deep romantic love, we have the fantasy that this level of passionate intensity will make us happier. But marrying Mr. Good Enough might be an equally viable option, especially if you’re looking for a stable, reliable life companion. Madame Bovary might not see it that way, but if she’d remained single, I’ll bet she would have been even more depressed than she was while living with her tedious but caring husband.
  

  Thanks, Gottlieb. I love being told that my most basic ethical standards for choosing whether or not to pursue and/or stay in a relationship--emotional honesty, shared values, and, yes, attraction--most closely aligns me with Madame Bovary on the "Which literary heroine is your love style most like?" quiz meme. As she rails against "idealizing marriage," she doesn't seem to realize that using the word "settle" undermines her cause. If you truly want to cut through the idealization of marriage, start talking about the danger of idealizing individuals. There's a big difference between understanding your core 'deal-breaker' values and keeping a nit picky laundry list of surface traits. It's the difference between saying "I love and value you as an individual and would like to make a life with you" and "I want to marry a brunette stock broker with an affinity for Brooks Brothers."
  
  Thank God for people like Bella DePaulo whose book Singled Out: How Singles Are Stereotyped, Stigmatized, and Ignored, and Still Live Happily Ever After explores the romanticized American marriage ideal from several different angles. Instead of waving her finger at countless young women with a warning of “you’ll wish you had a husband when you’re 40, just you wait,” DePaulo actually interviews singles from all different backgrounds and lifestyles—divorcees, never-been-marrieds, widows, etc. The point of the book is not to convinces monogamous people that singledom is better or vice versa, but to illuminate American assumptions about what constitutes a fulfilled life.

  I leave you with this fabulous response to Gottlieb’s “Marry Him!” tripe from the cool girls over at Feministing:
  
  

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