You guys can’t even keep your sexual obsessions straight. Just a hint–seeing teh gay everywhere is warping to your credibility. If any.

These liberals…let me get this straight. They are a tiny population of people, of course, because if they were numerous then, well, the whole “voting for things” exception would apply, and we all know this is a center-right nation led by a hyperliberal so-liberal-it’s-fascist executive and legislative branch. Rather than passing laws, they take other routes to power, which leads them to operate in dread secrecy, because when you look for them, well, they seem to be invisible, somehow camouflaging themselves as red-blooded capitalists who are just trying to feed their families by selling stuff that sells instead of stuff people choose to not buy because it’s too political, just as tobacconists and Honda and Wal Mart and United Health Group do. They try to sneak gayness into our consciousness by manipulating trademarked Disney figures, which are unchangeable national treasures and are covered by the “stuff we like must never change” laws passed under President Reagan. Their nefarious scheme is to make American figures as Tinkerbell, who emigrated from England in 1947, look incrementally more gay so slowly that even gay people don’t notice–some people who are unaware of the plot still refuse even to see the gayness just dripping from her curly-toed wood-sprite shoes and her gayzor, which few Americans know is the same hat that gay Alfred Nobel was wearing when he gave Barack Obama the Pulitzer Prize for gay peace. Then little kids will continue to defy their right-thinkin’ parents and not hate (in a loving way) or taunt (in a free-speeching way) or commit crimes against (but not just because they’re gay) gay people despite the confusion when the gay people turn out to be dumpy middle-aged men and women who were there the whole time, for some reason not wearing curly-toed shoes and green leafy tights. But it’s clearly in the national interest to hate both the wood-sprite gays and the camouflaged-to-look-just-like-the-those-two-women-who-live-together-up-the-street-but-probably-aren’t-gay-because-they-seem-normal-except-for-the-’two-women-who-live-together’-part. Plus it gets votes if peckerwood lunkheads are scared of gays. Or it used to get votes most places, and will again! I say! and still does in the deep South, where the Party of Lincoln has traditionally drawn its support in a way that isn’t racial at all.

There. Got it.